Ugh! “Great is the day that the Lord hath made,” and all that, but I still feel like I’m recovering from a head transplant every morning of the work week. No matter how early I go to bed, if I get up before 10:00 AM, I can only function in “safe mode” until about noon.

Have you ever noticed that “morning” and “mourning” are homonyms? There is a reason for that. They both are associated with weeping, feelings of despair, and a big meal later in the day to try to make things better. Even the word “breakfast” has the word “break” in it,  Approriate, since getting up early enough for it makes me want to break something-fast. Nobody really wants to eat at that time of day, anyway. That’s why most breakfast foods are fatty, sweet, and delicious. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be able to force our unrested bodies accept them.

Some people call themselves “morning people.” “I’m just a morning person, I guess,” they’ll say gleefully with a bright and bubbly grin on their faces. I feel sorry for these people. I think they have resigned themselves to the fact that morning is coming each day, and they might as well be happy about it. That’s just sad. Instead, we should all rise up in protest about this unreasonable expectation that we put on pants before 11:00 AM.

Have you ever been outside early in the morning? Even nature has bad breath at that time of day. I always feel like I am intruding on nature when I find myself outside before dawn, like I wasn’t intended to be there and should wait until the lights are on. Some people criticize me for sleeping until 11:00 whenever I get the chance. They use words like “slothful.” Have you ever seen a sloth? They’re adorable, huggable creatures, and quite acrobatic- like me.

I’ve noticed that many people greet me at work with a solemn “Morning.” They drop the pretentious “good” from the phrase. These people get it. They recognize what time of day it is, but refuse to lie about it, or maybe they can tell I’m about to burst into tears. Oh, well, I’m up and at work now, so I’d better get on with it and put on my pants.


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