Horse Shows

I am currently standing in arctic conditions at an equestrian horse show in Haughton, Louisiana. I got up at 4:20 AM, a blasphemous time of day, and I’ll be here all the live-long day to watch my daughter Ally compete for about 10 minutes at a cost of a bazillion dollars.

How did this all begin? I’m not even a horse person, none of my family members are horse people, and I didn’t know horse shows existed to torture people like me until a couple of years ago. Most of all, I don’t like dirt. Dirt is the enemy, and apparently, dirt is a horse’s natural habitat. It’s everywhere at these events, even in the air. When I blow my nose at the end of the day, I could mold a clay sculpture out of it. (Gross, I know, but that’s the point.).

Speaking of gross, I knew I was in trouble the first time I went to the barn where Ally trains, and a vet was attending one of the horses. He was donning a rubber glove that extended to his shoulder. I won’t even describe what happened next, but the thought of it still makes me walk funny.

I know horses are majestic creatures and all, but they always look bored to me. Even when they’re running and jumping, they have that “here we go, again” look on their faces. And have you ever seen one relieve itself? Now that is epic! Sometimes they do it in the middle of competition. I think the judge should award more points when that happens.

The competition is about to start. Why do they start so early? That can’t be healthy for the animals. Maybe they’re not really bored, but sleepy. Anyway, excuse me while I blow my nose.

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