Facebook

I just wanted to let you all know that I will not be taking a break from Facebook anytime soon. I like Facebook. Call it a guilty pleasure if you like, but it is a little bit fun, and we all need fun in life.

I enjoy invoking the rolling of my Facebook friends’ eyes by posting innumerable photos of my children and spouse. (Yes, my wife is clearly out of my league, I can take no credit for my children’s talents and good looks, and I realize that nobody else thinks they are as good-looking and talented as I do.)

I also enjoy feeling superior to others when they misspell words in their posts, only to discover five misspelled words in my own post from three years ago when that Facebook memories thingy pops up.

I enjoy keeping up with former classmates from high school, most of whom didn’t hang out with me and still wouldn’t, and I don’t blame them. High school was not the best time of my life. Some of it was fun, but most of it was awkward and embarrassing for me. In other words, I was even more of an idiot then than I am now. Luckily, I married Susan shortly after high school, saving me from further humiliation just by associating myself with her.

I also enjoy making smug and snarky political remarks on Facebook to try to irritate and instigate a debate with some of my liberal Facebook friends. They usually don’t take the bait, but I enjoy it when they do, and when they don’t, I just troll their political posts.

I like seeing photos and posts of relatives and friends who live far away from the utopia that is Longview, Texas. I may rarely, if ever, see these loved ones in person (luckily for them), but seeing them here on Facebook is uplifting, and I can brag about eating at Pizza King, Dudley’s, and Teles-as if they cared.

I also like watching Facebook videos of funny animals and of people doing stupid things. These usually make me feel smarter.

I enjoy touting the victories of the Texas A&M Aggie sports teams, even though I have only a passing interest in sports of any kind and can’t watch the Aggies play without getting a stomach ache.

So thank you, Facebook. Thanks for reminding me of birthdays that I would never have remembered or known about otherwise, some of which are birthdays of people I barely know and who may find it creepy that I am wishing them a happy birthday. Thanks for the opportunity to scoff at those posts promising that I’ll go to heaven, win a million bucks, be better looking and save the planet if I share a post-even though I always consider it, if only for a moment. Most of all, thanks for giving me an opportunity to procrastinate from doing whatever it is I should be doing other than looking at Facebook.

See you tomorrow, Facebook-or in a few minutes.

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